Birthday Blues

It's 12:00 am on the seventh of September, 2009. I have never felt so far away from everything I know and love and hold dear in this world. I check my FB for messages and keep refreshing my gmail in the hope that some one will remember. My phone is next to me, silent and still, screensaver intact. Not a single message, not a single call.

Today I feel forgotten. Like driftwood that's found its way into an ocean where nobody remembers where it came from, where it belongs. I know that I am loved, and that I am remembered and nobody has really forgotten. But life is all about the where and when. Timing is everything. It's why we call people when we know they are sick, upset, or to share in their joy. It's why we celebrate a certain day and it's why we say and do things as we are supposed to. It's why, when the timing isn't right, when we miss a big moment, we feel bad about ourselves.

This time last year I had my favourite people around me. Song and dance and joy and the silly dreams of a 21 year old. One year on, I feel too grown up, less like a child and more like an adult. The girl seems to have died and the woman is unsure and undecided. In one year, too much has happened, and much too soon.

One year on, and the first year without you. I could have expected a card. Maybe a funny email with a few laughs. This year I am reminded to be lucky enough to have got through another year in life. All in all, since I know two people who didn't live to see another year go by, I am grateful to be alive.

So on the seventh of September, 2009, I lie here on my 22nd birthday, with the internet and Grey's Anatomy for company- a little lost, a little forgotten and one year older.