Again

It still hurts.

It isn't a painful stab. It's just a dull ache. A feeling I knew would come, but one that I could very well do without, so far away from home.

I will never forget the first kiss. The searing heat and the feeling of being completely engulfed by a flame that you couldn't trace. That comfort in hugs, the phonecalls, the laughter, the idea of being a unit; something I detested towards the end.

I have never felt that hollow after that. That need to be with somebody, to see or speak to or hold or be kissed by him so badly. I have never felt like I was on fire when I was kissed after that. There have been others, but no one holds a candle to the feeling or the man.

I hear Bruce Springsteen sing Secret Garden and I am lost again. In that world where two classmates who were strangers to each other sat on a bus and got so much more than they bargained for. In that world where two people found what they were looking for and one of them threw it away on a whim.

There must be justice in the world, though. Two years on, I'm still alone and he isn't. So I suppose things even out, one way or another.

Come up on different streets, they're both the streets of shame.
Both dirty, both mean, yes, in the dream it was just the same
And I dreamed your dream for you and now your dream is real.
How can you look at me as if I was just another one of your deals?

Well you can fall for chains of silver,
You can fall for chains of gold,
You can fall for pretty strangers
And the promises they hold.
You promised me everything, you promised me thick and thin, yeah!
Now you just say, Oh Romeo? Yeah, you know I used to have a scene with him.

And all I do is miss you and the way we used to be.
All I do is keep the beat... and bad company.
Now all I do is kiss you through the bars of a rhyme,
Juliet, I'd do the stars with you any time!

I can only hope I will feel it all again someday. I have hope, but there are days when I tire of being alone. Of being so lonely and so incomplete. I don't need a man to complete me, I need another soul to listen, to depend on, to be held by. Just someone to share me and mine with.

I have hope. But I'm tired of hoping.