Indecision

Among the annoying emotions I feel, I would rate indecision- (yes, I do believe it is an emotion)- the worst of the lot. It is the most irritating feeling I can think of, and I am sick of being in an indecisive state of mind. It's been at least six months and the culmination of all the indecision then has resulted in, well, more indecision. It's sickening.

I know my mind about a lot of things. But clothes and men are two areas where I have never, till date been able to decide without some amount of indecision. Of course, for the past three years, I had decided, and stuck to something I believed would last till the end of time. Then of course, I realised that it would only be a while-till another bout of indecision set in. So I decided I would act. Seize the day. Take control of everything. It has successfully blown up in my face. And it's anyone's guess what I'm feeling right now.

And life is obviously playing a funny little game right now. The entire cosmos has conspired to make it so that when I decide I want out of one situation, another crops up and invites me in. Yup. Lucky for me I have a sense of humour.

I wish this was about clothes. But it isn't. It's about men. I have left one- the one I believe I have given everything to. The one who has seen the ugly and repulsive side of me, and accepted me for it. The one who likes parts of my body that even I don't like. Who I don't feel embarrassed around- even if we talk about facial hair and hairy bodies, and burping and the rest of that. The one I wrote poems for, at whose feet I spread my entire world. Yes, I left him. Because I was undecided.

I left because I thought I was too young to be in something so serious. I thought I wanted to step back a bit, and be single and play the field a bit before I felt like that. I left because I thought that I should be with someone who wasn't so different, and whose interests were more similar to mine. Someone who loved to sing, and write poetry, dance and watch sunsets. Someone more like me and less like him.

So I got out. Just like that. With no real warning, and at a crucial time in both our lives. I upped and left.

Then I realised I had feelings- we'd best leave them undefined- for a new someone. And now everything is as though the cosmos is pointing and laughing at me. He sings beautifully. He dances. He's from a nearly identical background. He's a wonderful person. We watched a sunset together. There are times when we say things and do things that surprise us both because it's like ripping a thought out of someone else's head before they do and getting to the finish line first. It's odd. And it's lovely.

And so once again, indecision stares at me in the face. This is not the point where I make a decision. That time is still a month away. I need to give myself time to make a decision. Wallow a bit in this horrid and mixed up feeling. But there are two things that can happen when I finally reach the fork in the road.

One, I will have to go back, fall on my knees and beg to be taken back. Because no one with any self-respect will wait. Then I will work on sewing up the pieces and soothing all the bumps I have created. Or two, I will move on to greener pastures. To being single, hurting every now and then, but looking forward more than back at the past.

I left him last week. But part of me pines to hear his voice. Part of me doesn't know whether this feeling of content is only because I have not seen him since The Day. Part of me is hoping that I don't forget two years in one month. Part of me is hoping I do. Another, stranger, more raw part of me is hesitant to step into unknown territory-too afraid to even begin thinking of the possibility of opening up to someone like this, ever again. Part of me is lazy. Another, wilder part wants to screw around a bit, dirty dance, do things that twenty-year olds should be doing. One part of me knows I have lost a bit of myself in him. One part is in despair. One part wants to imagine the making up if I go back and the making out if I stay out. One part of me is shouting inside my head, telling me I am being selfish. One part is saying, you're young- Be Selfish.

The funny thing is all of these parts of me are brutally honest with me. I cannot deny any of them a voice in my head. I know them, and they know me and we're all trying to get along. At least I'm honest with myself.

For someone who prides herself on being forward-thinking and open, I also have strangely backward thoughts on some things. I have always been brought up to think that I will marry into love. And whatever culture or traditions I am marrying into, my kids will be all the richer for it. But then I think of how it would be equally nice if I could find someone who understood my background, language, festivals, tiny pointless rituals. Who would be reared with the same innate insanity and moral background. My mother has warned me, and I realised this before she did- getting married in this country means marrying an entire family. I hate the thought of that. I will not marry to make it easier on our families, but I just wondered how much easier it would be to marry someone from my community over another. I mean, in terms of my community, my surname is counted as prestigious and high-caste (I don't give a rat's ass about that). But anyone looking at my family from any other point of view will clearly see an income-less, slightly going-downhill family.

These things shouldn't matter. Especially not to someone my age. But it doesn't hurt to think about it. Especially because I have a strong feeling that at some point in my life, I will have to deal with it. I refuse to marry into a family that looks at my parents' income and class/caste or whatever rubbish people look at these days. And God forbid I find a man who suddenly turns into putty in his parents' hands. I will leave. In an instant.

For now, I am not supposed to be thinking of anyone. Or anything. But that is near impossible. Yet, I am not really worried. I am more sick of the indecision than anything else. How is it possible, to fall into something before you are out of something else? And I really do not think that is fair to anyone.

But that's the funny part about life. You can never decide what will happen when. If you could control those things, it would be like controlling life itself. Bad timing is something that has to be dealt with, pushing it away doesn't help. It's there. Deal with it, in whatever way possible. Laugh at it, with it. Look back fondly at it, as something that helped you learn. Live with it.